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27 March 2017 @ 12:16 am
for å være ærlig så håper jeg stykket blir slakta på grunn av "den 'indiske' prinsen"
19 March 2017 @ 11:26 pm
Searching for jobs feels more and more like an act of masochism. Because despite the thousands of offers, I qualify for none of them.

Ha ha daily kicks in the mental groin

11 March 2017 @ 08:55 pm
Let's talk about The Big Lebowski for a brief moment.

Because it's Saturday and I'm in my bedroom, reminiscing. The word reminiscing is my Flight of the Conchords-Pavlov's dogs word. Meaning, it makes me think of the lines from their "Rambling through the Avenues of time":

We drank dandelion wine and we reminisced
About the moment we first met that day
Then we reminisced about how we first reminisced

As Flight of the Conchords was something I dicovered in New Zealand, I usually wind up reminiscing (ahaha) about my student years and that big-ass manilla envelope in the back of my mind I've named Lost Future because I'm a dramatic, tragic dork.

Speaking of FotC, Jemaine Clement (whose last name Filmpolitiet gave a French pronounciaction (Klemoååån) and that was the last time I listened to Filmpolitiet hua hua... let it be known that I fucking love his face and also his goshdarn accent omnomnom ("sorry")) and thus by extent Eagle vs Shark - the movie I watched before actually listening to any of the duo's songs - is where I first heard the word/insult cockhole and it has lowkey haunted me ever since. It's been a decade, man! and it still occasionally drift though my brain. I don't think I've ever in my life said it out loud.

So. Ahem. Before I accidentally leave Wellington completely... back to The Big Lebowski. It's barely mildly interesting, I'm afraid. But it's a memory..
Back at the very cusp of where things started tilting downhill, at that vulnerable spot where my subconscious was aware that not everything is okay but still wants to deny it. I don't remember how, but I had come into contact with a Christian group at campus (if I had to guess I'd say it's related to some even with free food). I used to hang at their clubhouse because even though I'm not a religious individual myself, they were superfriendly and I was hella lonely. They used to have movie nights, and one of those evenings we watched The Big Lebowski. It was enjoyable, though I didn't think much of it until many years later, back in Norway. When I met a guy with a The Dude tattoo. And that's when this movie turned into one of those Things™ that would get caught in my radar at any reference. Like 42 and Belgium. And raisins. And Norse mythology, and ancient civilisations.... One of those things  that enjoys making pit-stops in the middle of streams of thoughts and makes you go ah yes I meant to get back to that but not right now.

Man, I don't know where I'm going with this. It's like these trickling elements that wouldn't form a complete whole of anything. Little sparks of reflected sunshine off of a dark ocean. ppfffffff

But it's a good movie.

10 March 2017 @ 10:58 pm
youtube recommended a video named 'watch this while high' and i think no i'm not going to get influenced by anything
i don't need anything on top of feeling so exhausted i need to focus on one breath of the time to stave off the dark nebula gathering around the corners of my vision, and survive the sensation of disintergrating from the inside out

nice video, though. super near animation

my coworker today ordered me outside.. apparently i looked irritated. if the sun had soaked me up into the atmosphere i think i would have been okay with that

this week's theme seems to be keep breathing
mood: le tired
07 March 2017 @ 12:23 am
looks like my pc is preparing to say its last goodbye. which is a bummer for several reasons. foremost because I cannot afford neither repairs nor replacement. and I'm not sure I have a good enough backup (its that kind of critical detail one just forgets until it punches you in the nape as a reminder of how crucial it honestly is) more, I just started replaying tales of monkey island.

okay so i got a phone call i didn't have the energy to answer, immediately followed by a text urging me to call asap because they had a question. because that helped a lot. ahahah aha so i am displaying my fine adult skills and pretending my my phone doesn't exist nor ever did, by looking at photos of treats in some warehouse on the other side of the planet. (they're called tim tams and are delicious. like, a tier down from irresitible)

mentioned person is a sweetheart, honestly. but they are very intense. a lot of person stored into one human body. accidentally, yet extremely, intimidating for someone as meek as me.

this is a pointless post. but here are my priorties. i should make that call..


speaking of tuna. what really irks me is that i want to draw. so bad. it is a near constant ache. until i have the opportunity to do so. if i get a pencil and a piece of paper, or anything vaguely resembling appliable utensils, i just can't do it. there are still all these ideas andimpulses in my head that i want to express like i used to. but every time i try, a fatigue drifts in like a fog too thick to maneuver through. i used to love to draw and doodle. it used to be this big defining thing in my life that i knew i could do not necessarily well or anything but i enjoyed it. and now i don't it just ceased to ... mean anything

i mean. i forced something out of me for the poster of our play. but there was no fun involved. and it wasn't my original idea or design - that credit goes to the person from the beginning of this fen of a scribble. it feels like half a shade away from plagiarism.

blæ i'm done.
28 February 2017 @ 02:52 am
I'm scared of the future and how nothing is interesting anymore

I'm scared that I will never get another job it's not a bad job but sometimes I want to quit so bad I could cry it almost hurts physically but I have to have a job

I'm scared that I won't ever get to move out and actually live but just remain a burden until my parents die then what
09 February 2017 @ 11:56 pm
For someone with zero interest in bringing forth decendants, and being in any way responsible for someone who potentially inherits this planet, I know an unfavourable lot about pregnancy. And most of it triggers something I don't know how else to describe than as squiggly, lightningy phantom pains. In other words, it makes me uncomfortable. To make it brief: Everything from the procedure where you have to have a subsantial part of another human's body shoved into your own body, to the fact that something squirms further up this hellhole of a flesh cavity and fuses with at least one clusterfucker already hanging around without a permit. NOt to mention that this thing attatches itself to you and is growing. INSIDE OF YOU! There is nothing more repulsive than the idea of having something not part of me grow under my skin. Those are the most horrifying nightmares I have. And this not even semi-sentient blob will continue leeching off of your body while using it as it's personal playground for nine months: it literally manipulates your entire body to diregard its own needs in favour of the foetus parasite. And when finally your btdy can't take it anymore, stands up for itself and rejects the still far from functional limb-entity. But then as the worst kind of prank-thank you note ever, it basically tears you, its host, open. Leaving you with a bloody filthy devastation zone which needs heavy-duty cleaning that can last for weeks and be at least as painful as this thing we all know as birth - stings, swellings, soreness, aggressive contractions, passing melon-sized clots, steep escalation of risk for infections, peeing having to be done in the shower.. And as a finale, the blob's first action as a separate human being is to shit a bucketload of tar that might as well be its demon accomplices melting because their job is done and now they're finally free to seep back to Hell

And my parents still hope I will consent to let this happen to me. Because grandkids

It's all too fucked up. Why have we evolved like this seriously we just fucking hate ourselves, don't we?!

Every human since the beginning of  our history who has had to go through being a baby maufacturer is a goddamn legend. A fucking hero!

Me, however, I'd rather have to watch FIlthy Frank's cake trilogy every time I need to eat, than having kids

mood: restlessrestless
being emotionally and mentally stable sounds fun, I wanted to try that this year but look who's failing

31 December 2016 @ 07:10 pm

last year I had rum on new year's even though I had eaten barely anything so i spent a few hours forcing myself to stay conscious because I was sure I was about to have permanent out of body experience

i learned sooooo m6ch felm that. do when i was fiven a 75 cl bottle of dtrong beer ffrom my boss ox course i just drank the wgole vloody filth

its all for a good cause tho: ic i can't vf alone anf asleep by 9pm l might as well be plasterwd rightybo?

duxl nww years eve up yhe bosw sid i menion 7 fucllnh hate beinf eceb slihtly frunk i panoc about losibg conteol ywt hwr wi fucling am this day is fucl

I do t ware about thise fitw of passagd st al

hrtes to my oncf a years ( dor tge 2nd tlmr) sgunl off my ass traditoon

I don't wven like lamb but that's what's fof dinner donichr