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20 April 2017 @ 10:52 am
Here's the thing about vikings. They're always depicted with horned helmets. Even though said hedd protection did not have horns. Everybody knows this.* BUT, everybody also knows that a helmet with horns = The Vikings. The horns are just a symbol. Like owls being associated with wisdom, despite being fairly dense. Or the sign for toilet being a plump stickfigure, even though that basically just informs you that this has something to do with humans. There are plenty many things deisgned by humans for humans. Not to mention that if you add red, it means you might get hit by a car if you don't cease moving forward. And still, a generic, standing human being is the acknowledged icon for a place of relief.

In conclusion: it doesn't matter that every modern depiction of the vikings dot the I-s with horns. It just a denotation for, "this is about Norse pirates."

*I once ha a teacher who spent admirable amounts of energy every lecture through an entire semester on repeating that "VIKING HELMETS DID NOT HAVE HORNSthiswillbeonyourexammarkmywordsIwillfailyouifyoudonotgetthiscorrectly!"

10 April 2017 @ 09:08 am
I know we don't get along very much. But at least when I want to be alone but someone else is already in the shared areas of this house, I am considerate. Instead of acting so extrovertedly surly that the other person chokes on the rapidly uncomfortably cold atmosphere.

I am here because I can't move out. You are here because you had moved out but moved back because you want a house but haven't won an auction run yet. This is not your house! It's not mine either but at least I do some of the chores. And I was here first. I am a coward, but I was here first. So fuck you.

29 March 2017 @ 10:52 pm
As a late 80s through 90s into early 2000s kid, computer games played (pun intended) a significant role of my childhood. Many games shared a smiliarity I only just now realised: they had this voidness that I found comforting. It is probably a side-effect of them not being as advanced as games are nowadays. Areas now full of details and ambience tended to be black nothings. This could easily have become a nightmarish cold, digital hole. But instead, they - unintentionally? - created a sort of abstract environment. Like a shelter. Dark. Secluded. Safe. Incidentally the very nature of the sort of spaces I seek out in real life for peace.

Games like these that I remember from the top of my head: Tetris. Brick. Snood. Monkey Shines. Cold Shadow. Magic Boy. Boom. Nanosaur. Liero. And a whole heap of ancient, primitive games all mixed so well together due to time that I can no longer tell them apart.

I need to get some sleep now...
I don't know how to cure loneliness
and even less about dealing with love.

Sometimes I play Tetris because it is simple, addictive, and gives my head just enough space to think without plunging too deep - as I still need to concentrate on arranging the blocks. Sometimes I drink a lot of earl grey. Sometimes I take very long hot showers. Though when things hurt like hell I grab my biggest cushion and squeeze it until I have no more strength in my arms. Then I daydream about hugs and cuddles until I cry myself to sleep.   fufu

At this point I am convinced I will be lonely my entire life. And I would be okay with it, were it not for how much the craving of physical attention actually gets to you. And a cushion just doesn't help. Mostly it is like having a photography of a glacier when you're dying of thirst.

There probably are better solutions. I just don't know about them~

Because once again having looking at the fuCKING MESS my brothers left in their wake, I am forcefully reminded of how many parents are the literal worst at reinforcing some crucial keypoints in equality. Some parents are better of course. But this is not about them.

Now I could rage on and on about so many elements - but that could easily burst open one nasty bag of hornets. So I am limiting myself to how boys tend to suck at tidying. When voicing my opinions as to why girls are usually more efficient in these areas (because seriously I get so fed up with these sorts of bullroar facts), nobody so far has reacted by agreeing with me. Some look as if they don't understand what the heck I am saying. Others are genuinely surprised by the way my mind works. WHY?! It is so obvious!

I hear and witness it over and over again that girls are so much better at tidying and cleaning et al. And the reason is always *because they are girls* Why are everyone taking for granted the reason behind this: That while girls are taught ASAP to take responsibility for these sorts of issues, boys grow up observing that someone else *cough*their mum*cough* sweeps in and takes care of it for them. THIS is why many boys are so bad at stupid little things. Like doing laundry. Setting the table. Putting the milk back in the fridge. Cleaning the counter after making themselves a toast. Using a hoover. Making their own beds. Load the dishwasher. Instead of leaving their used dishes like a fortress on the counter above the empty dishwasher. Unloading the dishwasher. And not just haphazardly placing all the clean dishes on various surfaces instead of putting them where they ought to know they belong. Trying to use their own dense heads instead of pestering me about every damn domestic piece of shit little thing as if I know so much more about it.

And even if I do I will feign deafness or pretend I have below zero knowledge about whatever they are asking about.

I see it at home. I see it at work.
I don't think these chores are any more fun than them but I do them becase I've had to since I was tall enough to reach the lock on the front door. This is also why many girls are better at offering to help - they know exactly how tedious all of it is and empathise. Boys on the other hand either leave to use the toilet for half an hour, or just stand there and watch. Sometimes telling you how good you are. EMpty fucking calories, assbag!

My mom is still doing plenty of things for my brothers and I am so angry with her. But she blatantly ignores me when I point out what she's doing is a disservice to literally everyone.

27 March 2017 @ 12:16 am
for å være ærlig så håper jeg stykket blir slakta på grunn av "den 'indiske' prinsen"
19 March 2017 @ 11:26 pm
Searching for jobs feels more and more like an act of masochism. Because despite the thousands of offers, I qualify for none of them.

Ha ha daily kicks in the mental groin

11 March 2017 @ 08:55 pm
Let's talk about The Big Lebowski for a brief moment.

Because it's Saturday and I'm in my bedroom, reminiscing. The word reminiscing is my Flight of the Conchords-Pavlov's dogs word. Meaning, it makes me think of the lines from their "Rambling through the Avenues of time":

We drank dandelion wine and we reminisced
About the moment we first met that day
Then we reminisced about how we first reminisced

As Flight of the Conchords was something I dicovered in New Zealand, I usually wind up reminiscing (ahaha) about my student years and that big-ass manilla envelope in the back of my mind I've named Lost Future because I'm a dramatic, tragic dork.

Speaking of FotC, Jemaine Clement (whose last name Filmpolitiet gave a French pronounciaction (Klemoååån) and that was the last time I listened to Filmpolitiet hua hua... let it be known that I fucking love his face and also his goshdarn accent omnomnom ("sorry")) and thus by extent Eagle vs Shark - the movie I watched before actually listening to any of the duo's songs - is where I first heard the word/insult cockhole and it has lowkey haunted me ever since. It's been a decade, man! and it still occasionally drift though my brain. I don't think I've ever in my life said it out loud.

So. Ahem. Before I accidentally leave Wellington completely... back to The Big Lebowski. It's barely mildly interesting, I'm afraid. But it's a memory..
Back at the very cusp of where things started tilting downhill, at that vulnerable spot where my subconscious was aware that not everything is okay but still wants to deny it. I don't remember how, but I had come into contact with a Christian group at campus (if I had to guess I'd say it's related to some even with free food). I used to hang at their clubhouse because even though I'm not a religious individual myself, they were superfriendly and I was hella lonely. They used to have movie nights, and one of those evenings we watched The Big Lebowski. It was enjoyable, though I didn't think much of it until many years later, back in Norway. When I met a guy with a The Dude tattoo. And that's when this movie turned into one of those Things™ that would get caught in my radar at any reference. Like 42 and Belgium. And raisins. And Norse mythology, and ancient civilisations.... One of those things  that enjoys making pit-stops in the middle of streams of thoughts and makes you go ah yes I meant to get back to that but not right now.

Man, I don't know where I'm going with this. It's like these trickling elements that wouldn't form a complete whole of anything. Little sparks of reflected sunshine off of a dark ocean. ppfffffff

But it's a good movie.

10 March 2017 @ 10:58 pm
youtube recommended a video named 'watch this while high' and i think no i'm not going to get influenced by anything
i don't need anything on top of feeling so exhausted i need to focus on one breath of the time to stave off the dark nebula gathering around the corners of my vision, and survive the sensation of disintergrating from the inside out

nice video, though. super near animation

my coworker today ordered me outside.. apparently i looked irritated. if the sun had soaked me up into the atmosphere i think i would have been okay with that

this week's theme seems to be keep breathing
mood: le tired
okay so i got a phone call i didn't have the energy to answer, immediately followed by a text urging me to call asap because they had a question. because that helped a lot. ahahah aha so i am displaying my fine adult skills and pretending my my phone doesn't exist nor ever did, by looking at photos of treats in some warehouse on the other side of the planet. (they're called tim tams and are delicious. like, a tier down from irresitible)

mentioned person is a sweetheart, honestly. but they are very intense. a lot of person stored into one human body. accidentally, yet extremely, intimidating for someone as meek as me.

this is a pointless post. but here are my priorties. i should make that call..


speaking of tuna. what really irks me is that i want to draw. so bad. it is a near constant ache. until i have the opportunity to do so. if i get a pencil and a piece of paper, or anything vaguely resembling appliable utensils, i just can't do it. there are still all these ideas andimpulses in my head that i want to express like i used to. but every time i try, a fatigue drifts in like a fog too thick to maneuver through. i used to love to draw and doodle. it used to be this big defining thing in my life that i knew i could do not necessarily well or anything but i enjoyed it. and now i don't it just ceased to ... mean anything

i mean. i forced something out of me for the poster of our play. but there was no fun involved. and it wasn't my original idea or design - that credit goes to the person from the beginning of this fen of a scribble. it feels like half a shade away from plagiarism.

blæ i'm done.